COBRA (1986)

"Crime is the disease. Meet the Cure."

"The strong arm of the law."

Back in the spring and summer of 1986, those were among several snappy taglines for this highly anticipated action thriller starring Oscar-winner Sylvester Stallone as his direct follow-up to TWO smash successes lead by him the previous year: Rambo: First Blood Part II and Rocky IV.  THIS time, he was playing the ultimate cop named Marion Cobretti (nickname: Cobra) who was on the hunt around Los Angeles for a brutal serial killer (or serial killers?) named the Night Slasher played by veteran character Brian Thompson (The Terminator, Miracle Mile, The X-Files).  This film was directed by George P. Cosmatos (Rambo, Tombstone) though apparently it ended up being co-directed by Stallone himself.  There was much hype for this film when it was released in May 1986 though the reviews were pretty poor, mostly related to its very simplistic plot and extreme violence and.....it did ok at the box office.  It wasn't the blockbuster which it was expected to be but the film made solid money at the worldwide box office.  Since then, it has garnered an increasingly rabid cult following and is now looked upon as one of Sly's most quotable films....his answer to Dirty Harry.  Let's see how it holds up forty years later and find out if.....THIS is where the law stops.....and HE starts. ;) 

Host & Editor: Geoff Gershon
Producer: Marlene Gershon 

Transcript

COBRA – 1986         

Directed by George P. Cosmatos/Sylvester Stallone

Starring Sylvester Stallone, Bridgitte Nielsen, Reni Santoni, Brian Thompson, Lee Garlington, Art LaFleur, Andrew Robinson, Val Avery, David Rasche, and Marco Rodriguez

Genre: Action Thriller (Audio clip)

I can remember a few years ago, rewatching this for maybe the 8th time out of 11, I'm at about the 45 minute mark....Marion Cobretti (guess?) and crew are headed to the safe house to protect Ingrid (Brigitte Nielsen) and I'm thinking, "Hold on we're here ALREADY?!? Does this movie only have like four scenes?" :p

Seriously for all if this film's flaws - and there are loads of them - that's some economic storytelling! It goes for barely 85 minutes - this movie's story is starting to end BARELY after it began which is probably all the better as at least 50% of Cobra seems to be a demo reel to make Sly look COOL....cool tight jeans, cool matchstick in his mouth, cool '50 Mercury Monterey (seriously), and of course the cool way he eats pizza: frozen, without a plate, and only a scissor for cutlery.

George P. Comatos is the "official" director though everyone now knows it was just Stallone - an early montage kind of gives that away and hey, that's fine as he has already shown in his previous two films (Rocky IV, Staying Alive) that montages were his strong suit. There's a plot involving knife-weilding serial killers around LA who turn out to be some cult who like to use axes in ceremony but never in a fight....yeah why do we never see them just come at Cobra en masse weilding axes? 🤔 Feels like a missed opportunity….

At the very least, Cobra has a very '80's genre vibe that it leans into HEAVILY - for much of the runtime, it feels like a John Carpenter film without any subtext...or depth.  And it LOOKS great, just very slick – thanks to some great camera work by the late, great cinematographer Ric Ric Waite, all of the action looks much better than it has any right to.  Waite was just one of those underappreciated pros who excelled at filming crisp action in the ‘80’s and ‘90’s – he did 48 Hours, Red Dawn, the now slightly underrated Rambo III….along with previous episodes Footloose and Out for Justice.  So if you're looking for some good kills, a sweet car chase and at most importantly PEAK Stallone looking cool, you could do a lot worse. And having also rewatched the other one recently too, it has also aged better than Tango & Cash....

Best Needledrop (best song cue or score used throughout runtime of film): 

Considering that this came out only about six months after Rocky IV which was not only a smash success but also featured a highly successful soundtrack, it only made sense for Sly to bring back for this soundtrack the artist who performed THAT soundtrack’s standout hit, “No Easy Way Out.” I’m referring to Bayonne, New Jersey’s OWN Robert Tepper and his song is cleverly used – I THINK – for an early montage in this film, cutting between Officer Cobretta shaking the tree around LA’s crime-ridden areas to find out more about the Night Slasher.  Well that’s only HALF of what we see during this montage….we also keep cutting to Ingrid who’s a fashion model doing a photo shoot….amongst ROBOTS?  Ok….hey maybe this was just more carry-over from Rocky IV and these photogenic droids happened to be friendly with Pauly’s robot.  So yes it’s a goofy montage and the song is the undeniably goofy YET CATCHY synth-pop rocker, “Angel of the City.”  I don’t know, it just grows on you… (Audio clip) 

And believe it or not, Tepper wasn’t the ONLY carry-over from Rocky IV’s soundtrack….remember the pulse-pounding ditty which played in that movie over a montage of Rocky’s past from the previous films WHILE he’s angrily driving and shifting gears in his Lambo? (Audio clip) 

Yeah THAT song was Narragansett, Rhode Island’s FAVORITE SON….John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band, yeah these guys were very much in the style of ‘80’s blue collar rock along the lines of Springsteen or Mellancamp.  And they had a BIT of a run in the mid ‘80s with their big breakout coming the year prior for their surprise smash soundtrack for cable hit Eddie & the Cruisers…yes they were the REAL Eddie & the Cruisers.  (Audio clip) 

Their song closes out the film in bombastic fashion as we watch Mario ride off triumphantly into the glorious California countryside with Ingrid on his back….on a motorcycle.  Where’d he GET the motorcycle you ask?  Eh….he just nabbed it from one of the 40+ thugs from the Night Slasher gang whom he just killed.  So when you see a law enforcement officer wearing aviators driving away from a blood-soaked crime scene…what does that make you think of?  AMERICA….that’s right, so therefore what better song than the fast-paced patriotic rock anthem, “Voices of America’s Son.” Hey it works, EDDIE LIVES! (Audio clip)  

Wasted Talent (most under-utilized talent involved with film):

Now back to the axe thing….and those VERY intimidating knives which we see used here, you know with jagged blade grips…..NO weapon could be as scary as Brian Thompson's mug with creepy eyes peering through a facial mask - just from a visual standpoint, he plays a truly terrifying villain and probably my favorite part of this whole deal is watching Sly/Cosmatos flex their horror chops a bit using Thompson pretty well as the "Night Slasher" terrorizing Ingrid early on. (Audio clip) 

Thompson delivers what is arguably this film’s BEST performance and over the past several decades, he has just been one of those super-reliable go-to character actors doing quality work in a variety of genre stuff….Miracle Mile, Alien Nation, he had a cool recurring role on The X-Files for a while as the Alien Bounty Hunter…and he had memorable appearances in previous episodes The Terminator AND The Tragedy of Macbeth.  He is just REALLY going for it here and from all accounts, he was genuinely committed towards delivering a memorable villain here.  Unfortunately, Sly and the studio had other ideas…..as this film came close to its release, they were worried about it being more competitive at the box office so they slashed more than a half hour of the film’s runtime to keep it under 90 minutes, apparently much of the what was left on the cutting room floor was related to developing the Night Crawler character.  Now I don’t know if this stuff was GOOD mind you….but considering just how effective Brian Thompson is playing this character, I would STILL love to see some of those scenes. (Audio clip)   

Trailer Moment (scene or moment that best describes this movie):

Oh yeah, did I mention a “sweet car chase?” Yup we get one around the 35 minute mark as Cobretti is transporting Ingrid to a safehouse outside of LA via what has in retrospect become one of those ICONIC cars which we only see in movies….the 1950 Mercury Monterey, featuring a chopped roof, a souped up engine, and a sharp grey paint job.  This was heavily customized, only four were built…..and THIS one even came with a customized license plate, stating….wait for it….”Awesome 50.” Hey when you’re an 11-year old dork watching this on video for the first time, you think that’s just about the COOLEST thing you have ever seen.  Now back to the chase….yup wouldn’t you know it, the Night Stalkers crew shows up on the road, at least two other cars each with drivers wielding shotguns…..UH OH. (Audio clip) 

And we’re off and it’s impressive – apparently this chase was filmed all over greater LA including Venice Beach, downtown, Malibu….it’s fast AND furious, even though it’s not always clear exactly WHO is chasing WHOM, I mean Cobra is supposed to be protecting Ingrid and EVADING these guys right?  Well no matter because at one point we see him as the pursuer, careening off of the second story of a parking garage in hot pursuit.  Though my personal favorite part is when on the highway, we see our hero shift quickly in reverse so that he can immediately drive BACKWARDS to unleash his uzi on a bad guy’s truck….causing it to literally EXPLODE right on the road.  I mean we actually see the chassi of this truck just lift upwards in flames, THIS is why we go to the movies!  It’s not quite on the level of To Live and Die in LA, but this remains one of the most entertaining car chases of the ‘80’s. (Audio clip) 

MVP (person most responsible for the success of this film):

At the end of the day, this film is very much Stallone’s vision.  He pulls off here what a true movie star is always expected to do….COMMAND the screen which he does in spades.  And from a shadow directorial standpoint….even though I don’t agree with every choice he made, the result still WAS/IS a very entertaining movie.  Therefore for being the CURE to the DISEASE which was crime at the time, Sylvester Stallone is the MVP. (Audio clip)   

Final Rating: 2.75 stars out of 5 

Would it surprise you to know that this unabashedly fascist piece of entertainment was produced by the SAME folks who had given us previous episode The Delta Force earlier this same year?  Yup…..Happy 40th Anniversary to yet another enduring guilty pleasure from the Golan/Globus boys!  

Streaming on Prime Video

And this is when the review ends….and I start….SUCKA!